Transforming Despair Into Hope: A Guide for Families Dealing with the Complexities of Managing Challenging Behavior
As parents and caregivers, we want to make sure that our child is equipped to lead a fulfilling life. But when your child is working through trauma, that can be a much more difficult task. Unhealed trauma can manifest in complex ways, often through challenging behavior.
Traditional parenting logic often falls short when it comes to trauma-affected children. This often leaves parents and caregivers feeling lost in a maze of parenting decisions and struggling with their child’s challenging behaviors.
Don’t despair, there is hope!
In this article, I take a look at how parents can help guide their children through trauma and into Positive Safe Relationships (PSR).
Healing Childhood Trauma
My mission at Child Trauma Sherpa is to help put an end to childhood trauma and the needless and unwanted pain that is inflicted upon our children, their families, and our society.
I’ve had direct experience with my own children. Through our family’s journey, I learned that trauma is a real, physical brain injury caused by tragic and traumatic life events such as neglect or abuse. While you may not be able to see it, trauma can be debilitating, and without proper care, your child won’t be able to heal.
But I have also learned that the brain is amazing and is constantly creating new neural pathways, allowing for healing. As our child’s caregiver, we have to create an environment that allows for this healing to occur. By eliminating unsafe and retraumatizing events, relationships, and peer groups, our kids can heal over time. That is where a focus on Positive Safe Relationships (PSR) comes in.
Why Traditional Parenting Tactics Don’t Work
Traditional parenting logic focuses on controlling a child’s behavior through rewards and punishments. This can have a further negative effect on children with trauma and often only serves to re-traumatize them.
Why? Because they do not trust authority figures.
Punishments only reinforce their distrust; rewards are often meaningless, and control is to be rebelled against as a means of protecting oneself. In other words, applying power and authority over your child with trauma leads to your child rejecting their parents due to a lack of trust in authority figures. This is what retraumatizes your child and reinforces what they have seen to be true in the world.
What is Positive Safe Relationships and How Does it Help Heal Trauma?
We’ve seen that traditional parenting logic and tactics only retraumatize our children and don’t lead to healing. However, learning to understand your child’s needs and moving beyond conventional parenting methods can help.
Positive Safe Relationships (PSR) focus on creating a safe, nurturing, and positive environment with your child. Because childhood trauma is caused by a negative relationship with an authority figure, this leads to a loss of trust and feelings of safety. So, it makes sense that for healing to occur, you must show your child that they can feel safe and loved by you.
Trust is a must and PSR is about building trust between you, the caregiver, and your child. By creating this safe and nurturing space for your child, it gives them the time and space to work through their trauma on their timeline.
When you boil it down to its most simple reasoning, children with trauma want to know three things from their caregiver: Do you love me? Can I trust you? Can you help me? By fulfilling these three needs, you can build a positive, safe relationship with your child.
To fulfill these needs, you will need to be able to relate to your child with trauma. Love, hope, and empathy are key to relating to your child with trauma. Focusing on these aspects can help transform the despair you and your child feel into hope and healing!
Want to Learn More?
This article brushes the surface of Positive Safe Relationships (PSR). It not only requires that you, as the parent or caregiver, focus on building a safe relationship with your child but that all authority figures in your child’s life do the same, including teachers and community leaders. It also includes therapy with a licensed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. Consistency is what leads to real healing over time.
To learn more about PSR and helping your child heal from their trauma, check out my book, Where Do We Go from Here? Helping Adoptive Parents Guide Their Children Through Trauma and Into Positive Safe Relationships.
